I had my first interview for six years yesterday. Since leaving the Millennium Commission back in January 2003, I've run my own business and have been dealing with the impact of becoming paralysed. Sitting in a room with five interviewers was an experience good to get back. Waiting in the office, surrounded by the chaos of a business with the stationery cupboard and photocopier and ringing phones brought back good memories. I miss being part of an organisation.
I had applied for a Board level post because at the moment, that's what I want: a day a month when I know all the dates in advance. It's paid, I get expenses and it's easy to work around childcare. I love being a hospital governor and Salisbury Hospital is very close to my heart, but all I receive is travel expenses. It's not enough.
I've changed in many ways since my last interviews. I'm older, perhaps wiser. And I'm calmer it seems. I have a different attitude toward time, and a different attitude toward fate. An acceptance of what will be, will be.
This was tested to the limit yesterday. My alarm failed to go off so instead of getting up at 6.30 to be at the London venue by 11, I woke at 8am. I couldn't find my suit trousers and I only had one shoe. I got stuck on the drive to the station behind a line of slow-moving traffic. I left the details of where I had to go at home. When I tried to put on my tie in the train, I discovered that my neck has got thicker (transfers? age?) and I couldn't fasten the top button. And rather than panicking or driving madly, I smiled in bemusement at this comedy. I simply can't get dressed much faster. I can't run back upstairs when I forget something. I can't sprint to the taxi. I can only move at the pace I can move.
I think months of full time bed rest as well as being paralysed has taught me a sense of acceptance. This doesn't feel like a passive state of resignation. Rather, it's a realisation that I have a choice about how I react to situations and that there are only certain things I can change or control. Although I will be changing my alarm clock.
