The snow and various conversations have got me thinking about dependence. I've written before about my independence, the fact that I have full use of my arms and that I don't need a carer. I've commented how lucky I am.
And yet how independent am I? I'm stuck in this weather. If I fall outside, I cannot get back into my chair. I can't manage steps or stairs. Hoovering is hard as is stripping beds and washing floors. Without an occasional cleaner, I can't keep the house tidy. Without strangers helping me down steep pavements I can't cross the road. Without a friend to push me I can't get through the snow. Without a special beach chair, I can't wheel on the sand. I'm not independent.
I fear increasing dependence. I fear my shoulders giving way and needing a carer. And ironically, I have allowed this fear to increase my dependence. I choose to do less in the hope of preserving my shoulders. I choose to ask strangers to put my chair in the back of the car rather than face the effort and strain of dismantling it myself. I choose to ask my children to go upstairs to get things for me rather than transfer on to the stairlift. I allow people to make me tea when I'm sitting on the sofa rather than getting up and making it myself.
Of course there's a balance. Sometimes it makes sense to ask people for assistance. Without it, I simply cannot get over steep pavements. I cannot move in the snow. And do I want to be truly independent? I like being part of a community where we depend on one another. I'd never manage the school run juggling act without the community. I like this interdependence. Yet I've got the balance wrong. I do less than I could. And I may inadvertently be causing myself greater health problems by doing less. I'm less fit. I'm less flexible.
But I don't want to go to the other extreme: refusing all help. A friend who does live alone, who is extremely independent, who never asks for help would rather his life were other than become dependent. "As soon as my shoulders go, I'm booking my one way flight to Switzerland". But I can become less reliant on others. First step, get my chair in and out of the car. My first New Year resolution.
