Language is a useful tool for understanding attitudes. I've been pondering on the height difference I now experience in a world where almost everyone is taller than me. And it occurs to me that some verbs reveal how patronised I can be as a wheelchair user: people look down on me, I can't stand up to them... I've noticed this whilst watching the Channel 4 series Cast Offs about the six disabled people on an island: how Dan, the wheelchair user, is always sitting down (of course).
The idea and meaning of standing has been on my mind because I've been criticised and judged by acquaintances in recent weeks for some of my decisions. The vehemence of the attacks have shocked me. Talking with friends makes me wonder whether the issues are more complicated than they seem (aren't they always?). Are people bringing their subconscious prejudices to bear? Do they view me with pity/misunderstanding/disgust because they see me as a victim? Do they see me or my disability? Do they feel they have more right to put me down because I can't stand up to them physically?
It's not something I've experienced before and I'm not sure how to process or even express my thoughts. I'm finding this hard to write - I simply can't find the words. It's a difficult issue to address because I myself am not that comfortable with being disabled. I'm still coming to terms with the reality of my situation and haven't yet fully understood the complexity of feelings I have about it. So it will be hard for me to address with others, especially since (I imagine) they will give the kneejerk response "of course we don't view you differently".
I remember a comment a friend made when she heard about my accident: she said it could not have been worse if I was dead. Her words threw me. But they give a glimmer of insight into how people might now see me, how they might not see beyond the wheelchair. And the height difference is an issue: reading a British Medical Journal article about bullying, it seems that shorter people are more likely to be victims. I'd be interested to know what others think.
