Children and embarrassment

My children are getting older. They're getting embarrassed by their parents. They're getting less willing to go out and do things, preferring to stay at home. G is almost thirteen and his hormones are raging around his body. Adding to this combustible mix is the fact that I'm paralysed. I'm the only parent in his school who's in a wheelchair. I can't get into half the buildings. I have to sit at the front in any assemblies. The school are amazing in how they accommodate me. But I still stand out. I'm not sure how much G minds.

It's hard to know whether embarrassment is caused simply because I'm his father and all parents are embarrassing. Or is he embarrassed because of my being in a wheelchair, with its associated complications? Take yesterday for example. We go into town for lunch. As I transfer from the car, I have the oh-so-common, oh-so-annoying trouser descending moment. There's too much naked bottom poking through the back of my wheelchair for my comfort. I have five options:

- ask G for help
- ask a stranger for help
- suffer the embarrassment
- transfer back into the car, lower the seat and struggle to sort my trousers
- go home.

I refuse to take the last option because I'm really looking forward to having lunch with G. He's fantastic company and I want to spend a decent amount of time with him. I don't want the struggle of car changing. I'm reluctant to wheel through town and reveal my flesh to the world. I take option 1 and ask G for help: "No. It's too embarrassing". Deadlock. Despite my pointing out that we're in a side street with no one he knows and that his embarrassment will be over far faster than mine if I wheel about like this, G stays steady. He gets back into the car. It looks like returning home might be an option. We're saved by a stranger who stops when I ask for help. Dignity restored, G's pride intact, good meal and great conversation await. If no stranger had passed, I'm not sure what I would have done.

It doesn't feel right to force G to help. It's not my parenting style; I'd have a hard time forcing him anyway. And it's a lot to ask. He's not my carer. I don't want to embarrass him. He's had no wider support in how to deal with the situation he's in. He has no friends or relatives with disabilities. There really are no easy answers.

Comments

[Gina]

Parents are THAT embarrassing, period. It's probably little to do with the wheelchair and much to do with your son's age and, as you say, hormones. When he's older he'll feel terrible about it and that will be your revenge! Hah! Our kids are all in their twenties now and can't believe what they put us through. They also admit that they were far more embarrassing than we ever were. All great fun in the end - but meanwhile, buy a pair of braces.

[AndrewF23]

Im glad to hear it! Ive tried braces but theres a danger of the clips causing a pressure sore. I think its time to buy another belt...

[Gina]

Dungarees? But those might be even more embarrassing than the sum of the whole in your case. Better check with your son!

[Kelvin Blake]

Andrew, I used to have this problem initially when I left hospital. It was only when I got the right fitting trousers and sometimes use a belt that it all stopped. Try it cos the answer is simple...