For many months after my accident I used to miss walking terribly. I remember once coming back from a journey to Bristol (where I'd been to a silent movie festival with a friend. I managed to fall out of my chair wheeling off the accessible ramp) and arriving back in hospital almost comatose with despair. I called someone who'd been injured for many years and asked him if the missing ever got less. "No. I wish I could walk every day".
It's got better since then. I generally don't think about walking much. It's helped by the fact that I have zero sensation below my arms. I can't really remember what it feels like to walk. But in the last week or so I've been noticing the little things. How long it takes me to get out of bed (ten minutes to get dressed and in to my chair). How hard it is to get out of the car by myself (four minutes to get my chair reassembled). How frustrating it is when my shower chair is just beyond my reach from the bed. How if I want to get a jersey from upstairs it involves four transfers and a lot of effort.
I think I'm allowing myself to mind more. I can get trapped in polarised positions: either I miss walking or I don't. Now I'm allowing myself a little more grey: at times I do miss walking and that's ok. I miss the ease that comes with functioning legs. I miss the speed I used to move at. I'm not waiting for a cure. But yes, sometimes I do miss walking.
