I generally ignore the fact that I have a spinal cord injury. I can do most things and don't feel that limited. However, I think I can take this attitude too far. Back in 2000, I ended up in the finals of a national fitness competition, the X-Zone. I came 38th, so in a way, I was then the 38th fittest person in the country (yes, I know it's hardly a true sample but it makes for a better story). And at times I still think I am, in a way, that same person.
I'm not. Obviously. But it's a state of mind - "I'm no different since my accident". I think this is about denying the reality of being disabled. I believe if I don't say it, then I'm not disabled, I'm not limited in what I can do (apart from climbing over fences of course).
The dysreflexia attack brought me up short. And I accepted for perhaps the first time since leaving hospital that I am disabled. I have a condition that can kill me very quickly. I don't have much stamina. I sleep badly because of pain. Long drives exhaust me.
Annika and I have been talking about this with regard to my planned teaching career. Every teacher I talk to comments how tiring the Postgraduate Certificate Course in Education is. It's full-time and there's no alternative at Bath Spa. The staff have been very accommodating, but there is a limit to what they can do.
In short, I've decided not to do the course. It's been a hard decision. Completing the PGCE has been a focus for the last two years now (I was due to start last September but I deferred). I've read a lot and been visiting schools. But I think it would be foolish at best to undertake the course. So I sent the University the following letter:
Dear L
PGCE Primary and Early Years 2009-10
I’m writing with deep regret to say that I will be unable to take up my place on the PGCE Primary and Early Years course this September.
As you know, I’ve been concerned about my stamina. I have already deferred my place by a year to try to increase it. I’ve spoken to P and H who have been wonderfully helpful and supportive. P has come up with a number of excellent suggestions to help me manage my fatigue, such as postponing school placements if need be. I’ve been very impressed by her assistance, and especially by the way she made it clear that my situation was not unique and that I was not causing any difficulty.
However, a number of events have occurred that have forced me to reconsider. The most serious was a recent attack of autonomic dsyreflexia. This is something that can affect people with spinal cord injury and it can be fatal. Obviously it wasn’t on this occasion, but it was very frightening and took almost a month to fully recover from. There’s no guarantee it won’t happen again (in fact, it’s unfortunately quite likely it will). To lose a month on the course would be untenable.
Furthermore, my stamina is simply not increasing as much as it needs to. All my teacher friends talk of how exhausting the course is. I’m not working at the moment and even so still need to sleep each afternoon for at least an hour.
The final reason is childcare. My wife has recently been promoted in her company and is now often away from home. Before this, we could have juggled childcare for the course. Now, however, it will be impossible without a nanny or an au pair and given what the children have been through in the last few years, we don’t want to impose further change and stress on them.
I am hugely disappointed that I’m not going to be able to do the course. I’ve been looking forward to it so much and do think I would be a good teacher. I’d also be a good role model in terms of what’s possible in a wheelchair (pretty much everything really apart from dealing with shelves and leading PE classes!).
I will be volunteering at my daughter’s school and will continue to read about education. But I will not become a teacher it seems. I am so sorry that I’ve had to withdraw at such a late stage and do hope that my place can be re-allocated.
Let me finish by thanking you and your colleagues for the opportunity you offered and the wonderful support, encouragement and patience you have shown me. Please do get in touch if you need any further information and/or if I need to do anything more formal.
I received a touching response:
Hi Andrew,
L passed your email and letter to me so thought I would drop you an email to wish you all the best for the future. Thank you for your kind words and for letting us know you won't be joining us. We are sorry you will not be with us but fully understand the reasons for your decision.
Remember Andrew, it is for the time being that you won't be joining us and if in the future your health improves and stabilises you are very welcome to apply again. The teaching profession would benefit so much from having you as part of it, so please keep us in mind. All the best for the future Andrew. We all wish you well.
P and all the team here at Bath Spa University.
Heartening. So if not teaching, then what? Well, in the short-term, fundraising for Griffin's secondary school and a few local charities, being a governor of Salisbury Hospital, volunteering, being a househusband. The most important thing to do is make sure I don't sit around at home. But really, I'm not that kind of person.
